Last weekend, Caitlyn and I spent time with some friends we love, who also happen to have extraordinary relationships. And while we were together, something struck me: all of us have spent years intentionally training the skills that allow us to create extraordinary relationships.
Not because any of our relationships are perfect. But because we understand that great relationships don’t simply happen because you found the right person.
They’re built.
And that matters, because there’s a pattern I’ve seen over and over again in relationships.
When something isn't working, we start looking outside the relationship for the thing that might finally make it better.
Maybe when we make more money, there won't be so much stress.
Maybe when we move into the bigger house, we'll feel happier.
Maybe we need a great vacation together.
Maybe having a child…or another child…will bring us closer.
Sometimes we turn the attention toward ourselves. If I get in better shape, if I'm more attractive, if we have more sex, maybe we'll finally feel connected again.
I understand why people think this way.
When something hurts, we're naturally looking for the thing we can change that will make the experience different.
The problem is that none of those things actually fix a relationship.
They amplify the relationship that's already there.
That's an important distinction.
If two people are constantly arguing about money, another million dollars doesn't necessarily solve the problem. Now they simply have a million more dollars to disagree about.
But if those same two people are in lockstep with each other, they're clear about the life they're creating, and they have coherence around how they want to use money, wealth becomes an incredible amplifier. It gives them a larger container for the life they're building together.
The money isn't creating the relationship.
It's amplifying what's already there.
Children work the same way.
Children are wonderful and beautiful and awesome and magical.
They're also a lot of work.
They're expensive.
They create pressure. They require time, energy, patience, sacrifice, and attention.
So if a relationship is already struggling, having a child doesn't remove the stress. More often, it amplifies the places where the foundation wasn't solid to begin with.
On the other hand, when two people have a great foundation, children can become this beautiful amplifier of love, connection, meaning, purpose, and legacy.
Same child.
Same additional responsibility.
Completely different experience.
Because the external circumstance was never the foundation.
The relationship was.
The Relationship Is Downstream
If you've been following The Connection Fix for a while, you've heard me talk about something we call the Inner Matrix.
The basic idea is that what happens outside of us is always downstream from what's happening within us.
There's an emotional pattern we're driving with day by day. That emotion influences what the mind thinks about and focuses on. That begins shaping our perception of reality, impacts the nervous system and how we feel, and ultimately influences the way we show up in our lives.
Relationships are no exception.
If I consistently bring anger, resentment, frustration, blame, criticism, or condemnation into my relationship, changing the house doesn't change that.
Making more money doesn't change it.
Getting more fit doesn't change it.
Taking another vacation doesn't change it.
Because I'm still bringing myself with me.
And that's why, when someone asks me how to improve a relationship, I always start with the same place.
Not their spouse.
Them.
How are you showing up?
What state are you bringing into the relationship?
Are you managing your own emotions, or are you expecting the other person to manage them for you?
Are you fostering and nurturing the vision for the relationship you say you want?
Because managing state through self is a competency.
It's not something we're inherently great at.
It's something we train.
And until we develop that skill, we can keep rearranging everything outside ourselves and wonder why the same problems continue following us around.
There Are Skills to This
I think one of the biggest misconceptions about extraordinary relationships is that the right relationship should somehow come naturally.
You find the right person, you love each other, and the rest should work itself out.
That's just not what I've observed.
There is a framework to relationships that thrive. There are skills and competencies that people develop, whether they've consciously named them that way or not.
The first is what I just described: the ability to manage state through self.
The second is communication.
Can I communicate in a way that allows me to actually be heard? Can I hear the other person—not simply wait for them to stop talking so I can defend myself—and then respond accordingly?
And then there are expectations.
Do I actually know what mine are?
What are my non-negotiables, my needs?
What are my wants—things that matter and are a higher priority, but aren't necessarily essential?
And what are simply desires, the things I'd enjoy but could ultimately take or leave?
Once I'm clear about those expectations, do I have the competency to reinforce them through healthy boundaries?
Those things, supported by a collective vision for the life two people are building together, create the foundation.
The wealth, the house, the children, the travel, the health, the adventures...
Those are what we get to build on top of it.
When Someone Stops Feeling Special
There's another part of this that I think is especially important.
Over time, when cocaine brain has worn off and we’re familiar with each other, we normalize people.
The person who once felt extraordinary becomes the person sitting across from us at breakfast.
The person whose text used to make our heart race becomes the person asking whether we remembered to take the garbage out.
And if we're not careful, familiarity becomes casualness.
We stop seeing the person.
We stop remembering that what we have is special.
We stop treating the relationship as sacred.
Then something outside the relationship catches our attention, and suddenly we start imagining that that would make us happier.
Someone more attractive.
Someone more exciting.
A different life.
But physical attraction alone doesn't solve the fundamentals either.
You can become incredibly fit. Your spouse can become incredibly fit. You can both look amazing.
If the fundamentals aren't there, eventually you normalize that too.
The same is true of sex.
Sex matters. Attraction matters. I absolutely believe we should foster both inside an intimate relationship.
But more sex isn't the thing that fixes a broken relationship.
In many ways, the quality of a couple's sex life is a symptom of whether the fundamentals are dialed.
When they are, sex can become an incredible amplifier of joy, fun, intimacy, connection, and closeness.
When they're not, simply having more of it doesn't solve what's underneath.
Again...
It's an amplifier.
Not a foundation.
Start With Yourself
This is the part I really want you to take away.
When you want something outside of yourself to change, start by looking within.
If you want a different relationship, the first step isn't figuring out how to change your spouse.
It's asking:
Am I aligned with the relationship I say I want?
Am I managing my emotional state?
Am I communicating effectively?
Am I clear about my expectations?
Am I creating and reinforcing healthy boundaries?
Am I treating this person as though the relationship is still sacred?
Am I showing up in a way that fosters and nurtures the vision for the relationship and life I really want?
That's step one.
Then step two is developing the skills and competencies required to interact with another human being in a way that creates the foundation for a truly extraordinary relationship.
And once those things are dialed...
Now build.
Build wealth.
Build a family.
Build exceptional health and vitality.
Travel.
Have adventures.
Buy the house if that's part of your vision.
Create an extraordinary life together.
Those things are beautiful.
They're simply not the solution to a relationship that isn't working.
They're what becomes possible when the relationship underneath them is.
Other Ways to Engage
If this conversation resonated, I'd encourage you to go back to Issue 030 — Your Most Important Investment, where we explored why the person you build your life with influences almost every other part of the life you create.
You may also want to check out our Elements of Relationship Alchemy series, starting with Issue 005, where we go deeper into the fundamentals behind extraordinary relationships.
And as always, you can find The Connection Fix on the Blog and The Connection Fix Podcast.
Leverage whichever format works best for you.
One Question to Sit With
Before I wrap...
Where in your relationship are you hoping something outside of you will eventually fix something that needs to be tended within you?
Because another million dollars might give you a bigger house.
Another vacation might give you a beautiful week.
Getting into incredible shape might change what you see in the mirror.
But none of those things can build the relationship for you.
Start with yourself.
Build the foundation.
Then let everything else amplify something extraordinary.
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I'll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey
