Two weeks ago, Caitlyn and I got married.
One of my favorite photographs from that weekend wasn't taken during the ceremony. It wasn't from the reception or one of the formal moments that people usually frame and hang on the wall.
It was taken early that morning, during a group workout with the people who had come to celebrate with us.
Looking at that photo now, it makes me smile because it captures something that has very little to do with weddings and everything to do with marriage.
Relationships aren't built on one extraordinary day.
They're built on thousands of very ordinary ones.
That morning wasn't just special because we were getting married. It was special because it reflected the kind of life we've intentionally built together over time. A life where taking exceptional care of ourselves, challenging ourselves, laughing together, and surrounding ourselves with people we love isn't reserved for special occasions. It's simply how we live.
It reminded me of one of my favorite Warren Buffett quotes. Something to the effect of:
‘The most important decision you'll ever make, as it relates to your success in life, is the person you choose to marry.’
I've always loved that quote because I think it's profoundly true.
After more than twenty-two years of working with nearly 90,000 people, I've become convinced that there probably isn't another decision that quietly influences more of your future than the person you choose to build your life beside.
Not because marriage is magical.
Because relationships are never neutral.
They either expand your life...
Or they contract it.
I don't think we talk about that enough.
We've inherited a version of relationships that places almost all of its attention on attraction. We talk about chemistry. We talk about finding "the one." We talk about compatibility as though it's something that either magically exists or it doesn't.
What we don't spend nearly enough time talking about is what actually happens after two people begin sharing a life.
Because that's where the compounding begins.
If you're naturally optimistic, but the person you come home to sees problems in everything, that affects you. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But over enough years, it becomes very difficult for one person's mindset not to influence the other.
If one person constantly creates drama, eventually both people spend their lives managing it.
If one person is trying to build wealth while the other spends everything that comes in, they're no longer simply expressing different personalities. They're shaping each other's financial future.
Sometimes it's even smaller than that.
One person likes things neat and orderly.
The other leaves their stuff all over the place.
It sounds almost funny when you say it out loud. But if you repeat that dynamic every day for ten years, it stops being about where someone left their shoes.
It becomes friction.
And friction has a cost.
That's why I've come to understand that intimate relationships are never neutral.
Every day, whether we realize it or not, they are multiplying something.
Sometimes they're multiplying peace.
Sometimes they're multiplying stress.
Sometimes they're multiplying possibility.
Sometimes they're multiplying distraction.
Either way, they're always moving our lives in a direction.
One of my favorite moments from our wedding weekend happened when I simply stopped and looked around the room.
There were only twenty-six people there with us.
Our families.
Some of our closest friends.
People who have walked beside us through many different seasons of life.
The people we'll still be sharing dinners, hikes, holidays, and conversations with twenty years from now.
Being there, I realized something that I don't think I appreciated when I was younger.
Extraordinary relationships don't exist in isolation.
They shape the entire ecosystem around your life.
The quality of your marriage affects your friendships.
It affects your children, if you have them.
It affects your work.
It affects the emotional atmosphere inside your home.
It affects how much energy you have available to pursue your purpose.
It even affects the kind of people you're able to attract into your world.
A great relationship doesn't simply make one part of life better.
It lifts everything connected to it.
And the opposite is also true.
That's why I think Warren Buffett wasn't just talking about marriage.
He was talking about investment.
Because every investment compounds over time.
So does a relationship.
If you've been reading The Connection Fix for a while—or you joined me for our Elements of Relationship Alchemy series beginning with Issue 005 —you've probably noticed that I almost never begin a conversation about relationships by talking about another person.
I start somewhere else.
I start with vision.
Before asking, "Who do I want to spend my life with?" I think there's a much more important question.
"What kind of life am I trying to build?"
What kind of person do I want to become?
How do I want to experience my life emotionally?
What kind of health do I want to create?
What kind of family am I hoping to build?
What kind of financial future am I creating?
What contribution do I want to make?
Those questions matter because they create a vision.
Only after that vision becomes clear does it make sense to ask whether another person is genuinely aligned with it.
Not just whether they're attractive.
Not just whether there's chemistry.
Not just whether you enjoy being together.
But whether the two of you are actually building the same future.
That's a very different conversation.
It's also a much more practical one.
Because love doesn't remove the need for alignment.
It makes alignment even more important.
The beautiful thing is that this applies whether you're single or whether you've been married for decades.
If you're single, I hope this feels empowering.
Instead of spending your energy wondering whether you'll ever find the right person, spend it getting clear about the life you want to build.
Create the vision first. Then become increasingly aligned with that vision yourself.
Over time, allow someone's actions—not just their words—to show you whether they have the willingness and the competency to build that same future with you.
That changes dating completely.
You're no longer asking, "Do they like me?"
You're asking, "Are we genuinely building the same life?"
If you're already married, the conversation is different.
The question isn't, "Did I marry the right person?"
The better question is, "Am I showing up as the kind of partner capable of building the life we both say we want?"
I think that's where extraordinary relationships are fortified.
Not by evaluating the other person.
By evaluating ourselves.
Am I communicating the way I'd want to be communicated with?
Am I managing my emotional state?
Am I contributing to the emotional atmosphere inside our home?
Am I living the principles I'm hoping to experience from my partner?
Because it's very easy to spend years waiting for someone else to change.
It's much harder, and much more productive, to ask, "How am I contributing to the relationship we're creating together?"
Then, from that place, come back to the vision.
Not once.
Again and again.
People grow.
Life changes.
Dreams evolve.
Extraordinary couples don't assume they're automatically moving in the same direction forever.
They keep checking in.
"Where are we going?" "What are we creating?" "Who are we becoming together?"
And just as importantly… "Am I aligned with that vision?"
Because the healthiest relationships I've ever seen aren't built by two people trying to fix one another.
They're built by two people who are each committed to growing themselves while intentionally building the same future.
That's the work.
One of the things marriage has reinforced for me is that extraordinary relationships aren't built by finding a perfect person.
They're built by two people committed to growth, who continue choosing the same vision.
Again.
And again.
And again.
There will always be seasons that are harder than others.
There will always be moments where one person has to carry a little more than the other.
There will always be growth.
Adjustment.
Repair.
That's normal.
The question isn't whether those seasons will come.
The question is whether both people remain committed to becoming the kind of partners capable of building the life they've chosen together.
One of the reasons I feel so strongly about this is because it's one of the most common things I navigate with my clients.
By the time many couples arrive, they've already tried everything they know to try.
Therapy, couples counseling, communication books, retreats.
And yet they still feel like every difficult conversation leaves them farther apart instead of closer together.
More often than not, the problem isn't that they don't love each other.
It's that somewhere along the way, they stopped intentionally building the same future.
When I support couples to reconnect around a shared vision—and develop the emotional competency, communication skills, and nervous system regulation needed to support it—about ninety percent of the time, the relationship begins moving forward again.
The other ten percent discover something equally valuable.
They realize they never actually shared the same vision.
And instead of continuing to fight for years, they're able to part with honesty, compassion, and respect. In many cases, they become remarkable co-parents because they're finally aligned around something they can genuinely share.
To me, that's success too.
Because the goal was never simply staying together.
The goal has always been creating the healthiest life possible for everyone involved.
I think that's what Warren Buffett understood.
The person you build your life with will influence almost every area of your future.
Your health.
Your finances.
Your emotional experience.
Your family.
Your purpose and contribution.
Few decisions carry that much weight.
Which is exactly why they're worth approaching with intention.
Other Ways to Engage
If you'd like to continue exploring this conversation, I'd recommend beginning with Issue 005 — The Elements of Relationship Alchemy , as well as Issue 025 — Become "The One".
You can find The Connection Fix on the Blog or on The Connection Fix Podcast.
Leverage whichever format works best for you.
One Question to Sit With
Before I wrap...
If your relationship continued exactly as it is today for the next twenty years...
What would it multiply?
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I'll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey
