Last week, we explored a question that comes up frequently in my work.
How do I know when it's time to leave a relationship?
We talked about the difference between a difficult season and a genuinely irreconcilable difference. And how important it is to approach that decision from love, compassion, acceptance, and peace.
And as I write this, we're in the middle of our Virtual Power of Intuition weekend.
One of the things we're exploring is how to develop a clearer relationship with ourselves, so we can recognize the difference between our deeper knowing and the emotional patterns we've conditioned over time.
That distinction matters enormously when we're making decisions about our relationships.
Because sometimes what feels like intuition is actually a familiar emotional response.
And before we make a decision that could change the direction of our lives, it's worth understanding the difference.
But there's something else I want to explore before we move on.
Because when someone is considering separation or divorce, their attention is usually focused on what's wrong with the relationship.
They're thinking about the arguments, the disconnection, the resentment, or the things their partner continues to do that leave them feeling dissatisfied.
And understandably, they want those experiences to stop.
They begin to imagine what life might feel like without that person.
Without the conflict. Without the disappointment. Without the emotional discomfort they've come to associate with the relationship.
But there's something important that often gets overlooked.
Ending a relationship doesn't automatically resolve the patterns that contributed to the experience you were having within it.
And that's why, before you divorce someone else, I want to encourage you to consider something different.
Divorce yourself first.
When we're struggling in a relationship, we tend to identify the other person or the circumstances as the source of our discomfort.
If they would just change, I'd feel better.
If we weren't together anymore, I wouldn't have to deal with this.
If I could start over with someone else, things would be different.
And sometimes the relationship really does contain circumstances that need to change.
But there's another dimension to consider.
The emotional patterns, mental patterns, and decision-making processes that we bring into our relationships are operating within us.
They influence how we perceive our partner, how we interpret what happens, and how we respond when things don't go the way we want.
And those patterns didn't necessarily begin with the relationship we're in today.
Many of them have been developing for years.
We may have learned to respond to disappointment with resentment.
To uncertainty with fear.
To conflict by withdrawing, becoming defensive, or trying to control the outcome.
And over time, those responses become familiar.
So familiar that we may not even recognize them as patterns.
We simply experience them as the way things are.
But if we leave a relationship without changing the way we're operating within ourselves, we take those same patterns into whatever comes next.
We may change the person standing in front of us.
But we haven't necessarily changed the person we're bringing to the relationship.
Think about a relationship where you regularly experience resentment.
Maybe you feel that your partner doesn't appreciate you.
Maybe you believe you're contributing more than they are.
And over time, your mind begins collecting evidence that supports that experience.
You notice what they don't do.
You focus on the ways they disappoint you.
And eventually, resentment becomes the emotional state from which you're engaging with the relationship.
Now imagine that relationship ends.
For a while, you may experience tremendous relief.
The person you associated with that resentment is no longer part of your daily life.
But what happened to the pattern?
Did you develop the ability to recognize resentment as it's arising?
Did you learn to shift your emotional state?
Did you change the way your mind interprets disappointment or unmet expectations?
Or did you simply remove the circumstances that were activating those responses?
Because those are two very different things.
Removing what activates a pattern isn't the same as changing the pattern itself.
And if we haven't changed it, there's a good chance we'll encounter it again.
Maybe with a future partner.
Maybe with our children.
Maybe with someone at work.
The circumstances will look different, but the emotional experience may be remarkably familiar.
That's why I encourage people to look beyond the immediate discomfort and become curious about how they're participating in the dynamic they're experiencing.
Not to blame themselves.
But to recognize what they actually have the power to change.
When I say divorce yourself first, I'm not talking about rejecting who you are.
I'm talking about separating from the emotional patterns, mental habits, and behaviors that are counterproductive to the life and relationships you want to create.
And the starting point is vision.
Before deciding whether to leave a relationship, get clear about the relationship you actually aspire to have.
What does it look like?
How do you want to feel within yourself?
How do you want to engage with your partner?
What kind of connection, intimacy, trust, and partnership are you committed to creating?
And then ask yourself a different set of questions.
Am I operating in a way that's aligned with that vision?
Are the emotions I regularly cultivate supporting the relationship I want?
Are my thoughts, decisions, and actions moving me toward that relationship, or away from it?
Because it's possible to have a clear vision for an extraordinary relationship while continuing to operate from patterns that undermine it.
We say we want intimacy, but we withdraw when we feel hurt.
We say we want trust, but we approach conversations from suspicion.
We say we want peace, but we repeatedly engage from frustration or resentment.
And then we wonder why the relationship isn't becoming what we envision.
The invitation is to begin closing that gap within ourselves.
Become the person who is aligned with the relationship you want to create, rather than waiting for the relationship to change before you become that person.
This is where the real work begins.
We have to develop the ability to observe ourselves accurately.
To recognize what we're feeling, what our minds are doing, and how those internal experiences are influencing our choices.
When you feel resentment, can you recognize it before it determines how you speak to your partner?
When you feel insecure, can you notice the stories your mind begins creating?
When you're disappointed, can you respond from the person you aspire to be rather than from the pattern you've practiced for years?
These are competencies we can develop.
And developing them changes what we're capable of bringing into a relationship.
Instead of waiting for the other person to create the emotional experience we want, we begin cultivating it within ourselves.
Instead of reacting from familiar patterns, we practice choosing responses that align with our vision.
Instead of focusing exclusively on what our partner needs to change, we take responsibility for what is within our control.
And something important happens when we do that.
We begin to see the relationship differently.
Sometimes we discover that the relationship has far more potential than we previously recognized.
The dynamics begin to shift because we're no longer participating in them in the same way.
We communicate differently.
We respond differently.
And we create opportunities for connection that weren't available when we were operating from resentment, fear, or frustration.
But sometimes, even after we've done that work, we recognize that something fundamental remains incompatible.
And that's important, too.
Divorcing yourself first doesn't mean you have to stay in a relationship that genuinely cannot support your vision.
It means doing the internal work before making that decision.
As we explored in Issue 040, there are relationships where an irreconcilable difference makes the shared vision impossible.
You may have developed greater emotional competence.
You may have become clear about what you need.
You may have communicated honestly and invited your partner to participate.
And you may still recognize that the relationship cannot become what you aspire to create.
In that case, transitioning the relationship may be the most aligned decision.
But now you're approaching that transition differently.
You're not simply trying to escape an uncomfortable emotional experience.
You've developed greater clarity about who you are, what you want, and how you intend to operate moving forward.
You've worked to change the patterns that were within your power to change.
And you're better equipped to create something different in the next chapter of your life.
If you’re navigating the question of whether to stay or leave, I want to encourage you to begin with the part of the relationship you have the greatest ability to influence.
Yourself.
Because whether the relationship continues or ends, the work you do to align yourself with your vision is work you get to carry forward.
If you're questioning whether a relationship in your life should continue, revisit Issue 040 — When You Know It's Over, where we explored the two conditions that can help you recognize the difference between a difficult season and a genuinely irreconcilable relationship.
I'd also recommend Issue 038 — Your Emotions Aren't Caused by What You Think, where we explored why emotional ownership is foundational to changing the experiences we create in our relationships.
And as always, you can find The Connection Fix on the Blog and The Connection Fix Podcast.
Before I wrap...
If there's a relationship in your life that you're struggling with, ask yourself:
What emotional patterns, mental habits, or behaviors do I need to separate from within myself before I decide whether to separate from the other person?
Because there may be things about the relationship that genuinely need to change.
And there may be things within you that need to change, too.
Start with what you have the power to influence.
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I'll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey