Caitlyn sent me this photo yesterday. It popped up in her feed as a memory from seven years ago, when we had just started dating.
Seeing it again got me thinking about something I wish more people understood when they start dating someone.
People show you who they are right away.
That doesn’t mean you fully know someone right away. In fact, my kung fu master used to tell me that you don’t really know somebody intimately and well for three to five years. We’ll come back to that.
But people begin showing you who they are from the very beginning.
The problem is that we often don’t believe them.
We deny what we see. We ignore it. We explain it away. We decide it’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes we convince ourselves we can fix it, change it, or help the person become something different.
And then, years later, we’re disappointed when the person turns out to be exactly who they showed us they were in the beginning.
I see people get themselves into trouble with this over and over again, and romantic relationships are probably the easiest place to see why.
Before someone even starts dating, they often enter the process with a presupposition: I’m going to find the love of my life. I’m going to find my lifelong partner. I’m going to find my happily ever after.
There’s nothing wrong with wanting that.
The problem is what that preframe does to the way we evaluate the people we meet.
Instead of getting to know someone and asking whether they actually align with the vision we have for our life, we start looking for all the ways they could be that person.
And the mind is extraordinarily good at finding what it has already decided to look for.
We start imagining the marriage.
The future.
The family.
The experiences we’ll have together.
The happily ever after, or whatever that vision looks like for us.
And now we’re no longer simply evaluating the person standing in front of us. We’re evaluating them through the fantasy we’ve already begun creating around them.
We find evidence that supports the story.
And when evidence appears that contradicts the story, we overlook it.
This is especially easy to do when “cocaine brain” is involved.
There’s attraction. There’s excitement. There’s novelty. There’s the emotional high that comes from connecting with somebody new, and all of that makes it very easy to become attached to what we want this relationship to be before we have enough information to know what it actually is.
That’s why I think we need to approach dating almost exactly opposite from the way most people do.
There’s an old adage in business:
Be slow to hire and quick to fire.
I think a version of that should absolutely be used in dating.
Be slow to opt in and quick to exit.
When I’m hiring for a key role in my business, I don’t meet someone and immediately begin imagining how extraordinary it’s going to be when they join the team.
I have a clear vision of what I’m looking for in the role, and then I evaluate the person against that vision.
Sometimes we’ll talk to ten, fifty, even a hundred people.
And I’m looking for the quickest reason why someone is not the person we’re looking for.
I want them to convince me otherwise.
That doesn’t mean I’m cynical about them. It means I’m not presupposing that it’s going to work simply because I want the position filled.
I’m looking objectively for the places where the person aligns with what we need and the places where they don’t.
Dating should work much the same way.
Be clear on the architecture of your vision first.
What do you actually want in a partner?
What kind of relationship do you want to create?
Then, as you get to know somebody, stay in an honest assessment of whether the person in front of you actually aligns with that vision.
Not based on what they say.
Based on what their behavior indicates.
Financial compatibility.
Emotional compatibility.
Collective vision compatibility.
Health and longevity compatibility.
Experience compatibility.
Do you like the same things? Do you want to do the same stuff? Do you have common interests? Are you building toward a life that actually makes sense together?
When the first signs appear that you’re fundamentally incompatible in the areas that matter to you, pay attention.
Get to the no fast.
Because every month or year you spend trying to turn an incompatible person into the person you hoped they would become is time you aren’t available to meet someone who actually is.
A person is always going to show you who they are right away.
We just often don’t believe them.
We deny it.
We ignore it.
We figure we can fix it.
We think we can change them or make them better.
We turn them into a project.
And then we get mad because it doesn’t work out.
But they showed us who they were the entire time.
This is where something we talked about back in Issue 028 — Listen to Their Actions becomes especially important.
Listen to what someone shows you through their action, execution, attitude, and the energy they show up with.
Who are they showing you they are?
Then ask yourself objectively:
Does this align with what I say I want or not?
That sounds simple.
It gets much harder when you’ve already decided how badly you want the answer to be yes.
There’s an important distinction here, because saying someone shows you who they are right away doesn’t mean you completely know somebody after three dates.
As I mentioned, my kung fu master told me it took three to five years to really know someone.
His point was that a difficult time has to present itself before you’re ever going to know who someone actually is and what you can rely on them for.
Anybody can look resilient when nothing is testing their resilience.
Anybody can look like they have integrity when maintaining integrity isn’t costing them anything.
Who is this person when the shit hits the fan?
How do they respond to pressure?
Who do they become when things don’t go according to plan?
How do they behave when life gets difficult?
You can only know those things by seeing someone across enough time, situations, and circumstances.
But there’s another side to this.
Hopefully, everyone can be on their best behavior for the first few months of a relationship.
If you’ve been dating someone for a few weeks or a few months and you already have serious questions about who they are, remember:
That’s them on their absolute best behavior.
They’re trying to impress you.
They’re trying to look good for you.
And if they suck when they’re trying to look good for you, it’s only going downhill from there.
Even when things look great early on, you still need time.
I think you need at least six months to a year of runway before someone’s natural way of being has had enough opportunity to consistently represent itself.
Because at some point, the conscious self cannot override the unconscious reality of who somebody is.
The unconscious reality is going to seep through the intentional, conscious, good-behavior mindset.
That’s not a negative thing. It’s simply how people work.
Over time, we become more of who we naturally are.
Which is why the goal early in a relationship shouldn’t be to race toward certainty.
Give reality enough runway to show itself.
Pay attention.
Watch what the person does consistently.
See who they are when they’re tired.
When they’re frustrated.
When they don’t get what they want.
When there’s conflict.
When plans change.
When life puts pressure on them.
And while you’re doing that, keep returning to the architecture of the vision you created before you became attached to this particular person.
Because if you spend those first three to six months building the fantasy of the relationship you’re going to have, you become deeply invested in proving that fantasy right.
Then when the signs appear, you’re much more likely to know they’re there and justify why they’re not so bad.
There’s a price for doing this, which I think people underestimate.
It isn’t simply that you might spend years in a relationship that eventually doesn’t work.
The price is the relationship and the fulfillment of the vision you could have had.
Because while you’re with the person who isn’t aligned for you, you don’t get to meet and engage with the person who is.
That’s why being quick to exit when the evidence shows genuine incompatibility isn’t cynical.
It’s an act of clarity about what you’re creating.
And that starts with believing something I think is extremely important.
The vision of the relationship you want and aspire to is 100% possible.
You deserve it.
And it’s a matter of time before the individual who is going to show up with you for that is going to be there.
Your responsibility is to be clear enough about the vision that you recognize alignment when you see it—and disciplined enough not to turn something else into it because you’re afraid to wait.
If this conversation resonated, I'd encourage you to go back to Issue 028 — Listen to Their Actions, where we explored why you should count on people for what they consistently do rather than what they tell you they intend to do.
I’d also recommend Issue 030 — Your Most Important Investment, where we explored why the person you choose to build your life with has such an extraordinary compounding effect on everything else you create.
And if you’re already in a committed relationship, Issue 031 — Another Million Dollars Won’t Fix Your Marriage. But This Will explores what it looks like to start with yourself and tend to the foundation of the relationship you’ve already chosen.
And as always, you can find The Connection Fix on the Blog and The Connection Fix Podcast.
Leverage whichever format works best for you.
Before I wrap...
What has someone already shown you that you’re still trying to explain away?
Not what they promised.
Not what you hope they’ll become.
Not what “cocaine brain” is telling you this could eventually be.
What have their actions consistently shown you?
Believe them.
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I’ll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey