We’re wrapping up our second Reset of the year today.
Four days.
Silence.
Space to actually step out of the noise and take a real look at how you’re operating.
And one of the themes that comes up every time we do this work is something I’ve been seeing everywhere lately:
“You’re not broken…”
And I agree with that.
Completely.
But then the sentence usually continues…
“…you just need to go back into your past and figure out what happened to you.”
And this is where I take a very different approach.
Because for me, there’s a period at the end of that sentence.
You’re not broken. Period.
The Defect Dilemma
Most people are living with some version of this quiet assumption:
Something is wrong with me.
It sounds like:
“I’m broken because my relationship isn’t working.”
“I’m broken because I feel anxious all the time.”
“I’m broken because I can’t get myself to do what I know I should do.”
And then what happens?
We go looking for proof.
We go into the past.
We look for the moment.
We try to find the thing that “caused” it.
But here’s the problem with that approach:
When you go looking for what’s wrong…
You will find it.
And in doing that, you actually reinforce the very pattern that’s creating the experience.
That’s what I call the defect dilemma.
The more we assume something is wrong…
The more we organize our thinking around that idea.
And the more real it becomes.
There Is Nothing Wrong With You
This is the part that’s important to really understand.
There is nothing inherently wrong with you.
There’s nothing fundamentally broken about you.
What’s actually happening—most of the time—is much simpler:
It’s a lack of competency.
It’s a lack of skill.
If you feel anxious… overwhelmed… stuck… sad… frustrated…
That’s not a diagnosis of brokenness.
That’s part of being human.
What most of us were never taught is:
How to identify what we’re feeling.
How to regulate our nervous system.
How to move out of fear-based states.
How to train the mind so it doesn’t amplify anxiety.
How to live in a way that’s aligned with how the body actually works.
So instead, we label it.
We diagnose it.
We medicate it.
And we call it a flaw.
When really…
It’s just something you were never taught how to do.
The Shift: From Past to Pattern
Instead of asking:
“What’s wrong with me?”
Or:
“What happened in my past that caused this?”
We ask a very different question:
“What am I currently doing… that’s producing this result?”
And here’s the key that makes that question useful:
You need a clear vision of what you actually want to create.
Because vision becomes the context.
It’s what allows you to look at a pattern and ask, objectively:
“Will this produce the result I say I want?”
If the answer is no…
Then it’s not about fixing something broken.
It’s about identifying patterns.
Some patterns support the result you want.
Some patterns don’t.
And if a pattern isn’t supporting the outcome you want…
You don’t need to analyze it endlessly.
You need to change it.
Which means:
Disengage the pattern that doesn’t work.
Engage the pattern that does.
That’s where change actually happens.
We Were Never Meant to Be “Shiny” All the Time
There’s another piece of this that creates a lot of unnecessary suffering.
We’ve created this idea that we’re supposed to feel good all the time.
That we’re supposed to be calm… happy… confident… grounded… all the time.
And that’s just not real.
You’re going to feel fear sometimes.
You’re going to feel sadness.
You’re going to feel frustration… disappointment… doubt.
That’s part of being human.
It doesn’t mean something is wrong.
It doesn’t mean you’re broken.
It means you’re having an experience.
Now—if those emotions become the constant experience…
That’s not something to ignore.
But even then, it’s not a flaw.
It’s simply an indicator:
There’s a skill that needs to be developed.
Why Comparison Makes This Worse
A big part of why people feel broken in the first place…
Is comparison.
You look around and it seems like:
Everyone else has it figured out.
Everyone else is happy.
Everyone else is thriving.
But most of what you’re seeing…
Isn’t real.
It’s curated.
It’s filtered.
It’s the highlight reel.
You’re not seeing what happens behind closed doors.
You’re not seeing the full picture.
And when you compare your internal experience…
To someone else’s external presentation…
You will always feel like something is wrong with you.
What Reset Actually Does
This is one of the reasons Reset is so powerful.
Because it gives you the space to actually look at:
What is my nervous system doing right now?
What emotions are present?
Where is my attention going?
And more importantly:
How is that creating the results I’m currently experiencing?
Not from a place of judgment.
From a place of clarity.
And then we reframe it.
Instead of:
“Something is wrong with me.”
We move to:
“Here’s the life I want to create.”
And from that place:
Where I am is okay.
I can accept it.
And I am fully capable of developing the skills to change it.
That shift—from broken → capable
Changes everything.
Because now:
A challenge becomes an opportunity to grow.
Not proof that something is wrong.
The Frame That Changes Everything
At the end of the day, this comes down to the frame you operate from.
If your frame is:
“I’m broken, and I need to figure out why…”
You will spend your life looking backward.
Trying to fix something that isn’t actually the problem.
But if your frame becomes:
“I am capable of creating what I want…”
Then the question shifts to:
What do I need to learn?
What do I need to change?
What do I need to practice?
And now you’re focusing forward and moving forward.
If you prefer to engage with this work in different formats, you can also find
The Connection Fix on the Blog
or on The Connection Fix Podcast
Some people like to sit with it.
Others take it on a walk.
However you train best—use that.
One Question to Sit With
Before we wrap…
Take a moment and notice this:
Where in your life have you been assuming something is wrong with you?
And if you removed that assumption entirely…
What would you focus on instead?
What skill would you develop?
What pattern would you change?
What outcome would you move toward?
If you’re willing, send me an email and share what came up for you.
That shift—from broken to capable—might be the most important one you make.
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I’ll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey
