This photo was taken at our engagement party last November, and as this issue arrives, Caitlyn and I are waking up as husband and wife.
One of the things this season has reminded me of, is that extraordinary relationships aren't built on beautiful words.
They're built on consistent actions.
It's easy to tell someone, "I'll always be there." It's easy to promise the future. It's easy to say the right thing in the moment.
The real question isn't whether someone says those things.
The real question is whether they consistently live them.
Over the years, I've realized this lesson extends far beyond marriage. It changes the way we build friendships, businesses, partnerships, families, and every meaningful relationship we'll ever have.
Because one of the greatest sources of disappointment isn't what people do.
It's the expectations we build from what they say.
When I first started building my business, people were excited about what we were creating.
They made big promises. They told me how they wanted to contribute, how long they'd stay, what they were going to help build. And to be fair, many of them genuinely believed what they were saying in those moments.
The problem was that a surprising number of those promises never became actions.
Over time I realized there were usually two reasons.
Sometimes people were sincere. They simply didn't yet have the competency to follow through.
Other times, they were saying what they thought I wanted to hear. They wanted to avoid disappointing me. They wanted to avoid conflict. Sometimes they simply wanted to be liked.
The reason almost didn't matter.
What mattered was that I kept setting my expectations based on people's words instead of their demonstrated actions.
Eventually it dawned on me that much of my disappointment wasn't actually coming from them.
It was coming from me.
I kept expecting someone to become a person they'd already shown me they weren't.
That realization fundamentally changed the way I approach relationships.
Today, I still listen carefully to what people say.
I just don't emotionally invest in it right away.
Instead, I watch.
Do their actions consistently support their words? Do they follow through when nobody reminds them? Can I count on them over time?
Something fascinating happens when you begin paying attention this way.
The people who contribute the most to your life usually aren't the ones making the biggest promises.
More often than not, they're the quiet people who simply keep showing up.
Again.
And again.
And again.
Eventually, their actions become more trustworthy than anyone else's words.
That's where trust is actually built.
Every once in a while you'll meet someone different.
Someone who tells you they're going to do something...
...and then they simply do it.
Every single time.
Those people are incredibly rare.
When you find them, lean in.
Build with them.
Protect those relationships.
Because trust isn't built through intention.
It's built through demonstrated consistency.
That doesn't mean becoming cynical about everyone else.
It simply means allowing people's actions—not your hopes—to determine how much responsibility, trust, and emotional investment you give them.
The beautiful thing about this principle is that it works everywhere.
Business.
Friendships.
Dating.
Marriage.
Family.
Employees.
Partners.
If you've been reading The Connection Fix for a while, you'll probably recognize another familiar idea from our Elements of Relationship Alchemy series (beginning with Issue 005).
Know the vision you're building toward.
Then patiently observe whether another person's actions consistently demonstrate both the willingness and the competency to help build that same vision with you.
That's very different from projecting your hopes onto someone simply because you want the relationship to work.
Hope is important.
But trust should always be earned.
One of the healthiest shifts I've ever made was deciding that my expectations would follow evidence.
Not potential.
Not promises.
Evidence.
When someone's actions consistently match their words, trust naturally grows.
When they don't, you don't have to become resentful.
You simply adjust your expectations.
I've found that doing this creates an incredible amount of peace.
Because you're no longer asking people to be who they've never consistently shown themselves to be.
Everything starts with state management.
From there, we build emotional competency, communication, vision, and the relationship skills that allow trust to grow naturally over time.
If you'd like to continue exploring this work, you can also find The Connection Fix on the Blog or on The Connection Fix Podcast
Leverage whichever format works best for you.
Before I wrap...
Think about the last time you felt disappointed by someone.
Were you trusting their actions...
Or were you trusting their words?
Sometimes the greatest act of compassion isn't lowering your standards.
It's letting people's actions tell you the truth.
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I'll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey