Over the past week I've seen more and more articles about people using AI to find love.
Not just to write a dating profile.
Not just to suggest a first message.
People are actually asking AI who they should date. Which matches are "best." Whether they should pursue someone. Even whether they should stay in a relationship.
And while I love what AI can do...
I think this is one place it's pointing us in the wrong direction.
Because building an extraordinary relationship isn't an information problem.
It's a human problem.
And no technology can do the most important part for you.
AI can summarize articles.
Analyze data.
Recognize patterns.
But it can't become you.
It can't develop your emotional competency.
It can't build your character.
It can't help you practice courage.
And it certainly can't experience love on your behalf.
The danger isn't that AI gives bad advice.
The danger is that we start outsourcing the very work that makes relationships extraordinary.
Because the relationship you're ultimately looking for isn't built by finding the perfect person.
It's built by becoming someone capable of creating it.
Most people begin dating by asking: "Who should I be looking for?"
I think that's backwards.
The first question is: What kind of relationship do I actually want to create?
How do I want to feel?
How do I want us to communicate?
What kind of family are we building?
Do we want children?
Do we love to travel?
Where do we want to live?
What principles matter most?
What kind of financial life are we creating together?
Until you have a vision, it's almost impossible to know whether someone belongs inside it.
Here's where the conversation gets uncomfortable.
If I want a relationship built on emotional maturity… Am I emotionally mature?
If I want honesty… Am I radically honest?
If I want someone who manages their emotions well… Do I?
If I want someone growth-minded… Am I consistently growing?
One of the principles we teach often is this: We don't attract what we want. We attract where we are.
If you've been reading The Connection Fix for a while, you'll recognize this idea.
Throughout our Elements of Relationship Alchemy series (beginning with Issue 005), we talked about creating relationships intentionally rather than accidentally.
This is exactly what we meant.
The relationship you're ultimately trying to build begins long before you meet the person you're hoping to build it with.
That isn't punishment, it's opportunity.
Because the fastest way to change who you attract, is to change who you're becoming.
Once you know the vision, and you're actively becoming the person who belongs inside it...
Now comes the courageous part: you have to put yourself in environments where those people actually are.
That might mean joining communities that challenge you. Taking classes. Traveling. Attending events. Saying yes when you'd normally stay home.
It might even mean feeling awkward for a while.
Because if your vision is bigger than your current life, you'll probably have to spend time around people who are already living it.
And that's a good thing.
Growth almost always feels unfamiliar before it feels natural.
Here's another mistake I see all the time.
People meet someone, feel chemistry, and immediately start imagining forever.
Extraordinary relationships don't work that way.
They require observation. Time. Discernment.
Do your values align?
Does this person manage themselves well?
Can they communicate?
Do they repair conflict?
Are they committed to growth?
Are they capable of creating the kind of relationship you actually envision?
Those answers don't reveal themselves over dinner.
They take months.
That's not being skeptical, that's being intentional.
Culture teaches us that somewhere out there is "The One."
The perfect person.
The missing piece.
I don't think that's the right question.
Because the goal was never simply to find "The One."
It's to become "The One"—the kind of person capable of creating an extraordinary relationship when that person arrives.
And that changes everything.
Because now your attention comes back to the one place where you actually have influence.
Yourself.
Extraordinary relationships are rare.
Not because extraordinary people don't exist, but because relatively few people are willing to do the work required to create one.
That work isn't glamorous.
It looks like emotional competency.
State management.
Vision.
Honest self-reflection.
Courage.
Consistency.
But over time, that's exactly the work that changes who you become.
And who you become changes everything you attract.
As I remind myself and everyone, everything starts with state management.
From there, we build vision, emotional and mental competency, nervous system regulation, and the practical skills that allow us to create extraordinary relationships and extraordinary lives.
If you'd like to continue exploring this work, you can also find The Connection Fix on the Blog or on The Connection Fix Podcast
Leverage whichever format works best for you.
Before I wrap...
Ask yourself this: If the person you're hoping to meet showed up tomorrow… Would they recognize you as "The One" for them?
Not because you're perfect, but because you're actively becoming the kind of person capable of creating the relationship you both deserve.
That's really the work.
Not finding "The One."
Becoming "The One."
More soon.
Have a great rest of your day, and I'll look forward to connecting again next week.
Joey